Wallpaper Murals - Lining the Corridors of Power

"The IPSA will be on you like an I-don't-know-what" I wasn't worried about the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority; when they looked a little closer at the item my wife had pointed out they'd be amazed. Far from unnecessarily costing the taxpayer thousands of their hard earned pounds on pointless frippery, I had actually found an astonishing bargain. Surely it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect the taxpayer to pick up a modest five hundred pound tab for the enormous bespoke wallpaper mural of a tropical island cut to fit exactly my constituency office wall?

Compare the wizard value of my mural to the extraordinary price the Secretary of State claimed for genuine replacement Hardman doorknobs up at the house after the unfortunate business with the Cornish separatists. Who would have thought brass was worth its weight in gold? A decent enough copy could have been found on eBay, surely? "Aaah", they said, "We have to maintain the integrity of Pugins masterpiece"; and anyway it didn't come out of his expenses, apparently you don't have to replace your own door furniture after a scuffle involving pasties.

You have to be considerably more cleverer than most MP's to navigate the rules on spending other peoples' money these days. I thought it was perfectly reasonable to put my fact finding mission to the Islay distilleries on my parliamentary expenses. I tried to convince several departments there was a future in grain based eco fuels but the brass hats and the pursed lips wouldn't wear it and in the visit from the whips office there was definitely an actual threat of 'limb re-arrangement and de-selection and not necessarily in that order'. I made the right noises but honestly, I was baffled.

To cheer myself up I embarked on a little programme of decoration, both in London and up in the sticks. There wasn't a lot of scope in London what with the Grade 1 listing and everything so I just treated myself to a couple of lava lamps, a life size ceramic leopard (sitting) and some rather jolly prints featuring Harriers sticking it to the Argies. Because I'd only spent a couple of hundred in London I thought I'd push the boat out a bit further up in the old constituency.

And this is the result! They're frightfully cross and telling me I've got to give it all back or pay for it myself. Alright, maybe the gold bathroom suite was an indulgence too far and some of the pictures are 'Genuine Old Masters' apparently; I thought they were nice pics of angels and what-not and surely an investment for Britain and I'm British aren't I? But I'm digging my heels in with the wallpaper mural, I don't care who knows about it and when they see what you can get for your money they'll cheer me to the rafters. If they don't, I happen to know that the next chap they're going to see has actually bought an actual house, for actual ducks, that goes in his actual moat!

They'll soon forget about me.


Zazous are online retailers of wall stickers, wallpaper, lighting, contemporary vinyl flooring, tableware, textiles and accessories for the modern home. Fashion-forward, highly individual designs that create striking interiors.

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